Queer began as an insult and was pulled into an umbrella by people who did not fit neatly in heterosexual, cisgender boxes. It can point to sexuality, gender, or both. Some people love the word’s looseness. Some still hear only the insult and do not want it on their skin.

Use it of someone else only if they use it of themselves. In academic and community settings it also names a way of reading culture against straight defaults. That intellectual use can drift far from how a specific person dates on a Thursday.

The umbrella is crowded: lesbian, gay, bi, trans, ace, and more specific labels all stand under or beside it depending on who is talking. Arguments about the borders will outlive all of us. Lived courtesy is shorter. Ask what word they want and then use that word.